Realness

A blustery day. Windy and rainy and chilly. I loved it! I wouldn't want a whole lot of that, but it makes for a nice change. We haven't seen many blow the lights out storms since moving to sunny California, so it's kind of cool (pun intended) to have a bit of weather now and again.

I went over to the mobile home park where we would like to buy and was told that after yet another discussion with the owners, we have been nixed. Too bad they are refusing to discuss it with me personally. Oh well, looks like that door is definitely closed. It will be interesting to see what doors will be opened. For now, we wait. We'll continue to look, but we want to follow the Lord's lead rather than lean on our own understanding.

I didn't write about it yesterday, but our Sunday was extra special. Once a month FBC has a "combined" meeting (we usually have two services on Sunday morning) and I am particularly fond of those Sundays when the whole church family meets together. We usually have a pot luck meal after the service... good fellowship and good food.

Yesterday we had a special musical guest Chaya. Decidedly gifted young lady! She sang some of my favorites, too. Pastor Rob, whose preaching, personality and style I always enjoy, was in fine form and things were rolling along well until my cell phone went off. Seems as though everyone in the place heard it... except me! Indeed, I was certain I had turned the ringer off, so protested it couldn't be mine.

Oh yes, the sermon stopped and we discussed my phone! That's just one of the things I love about Pastor Rob and FBC... Realness. OK, I know that's not a word, but it works for me. Our church family is like any other family. I didn't feel at all "picked on" as my cell phone ringing was dealt with because I was at home with the family and know I am loved there. They know I'm not perfect, but love me anyway. Oh of course, Pastor Rob wrote (in a nice way) about my cell phone ring tones. You gotta love it.

That's another reason we are trying hard to buy a place here in Galt. We love our church family. They are warm and wonderful. You can meet Pastor Rob at his FBC blog on his myspace place. Indeed, you should trip on over to see his latest stand for right... a bold man, he, and effective.

Living in Limbo

We have been seeking lower cost housing and were fairly sure the Lord had led us to a couple of potential answers. In fact, we were prepared to make an offer on a mobile home. Then we learned that we were unacceptable to the mobile home park. They don't want us!

Well, I guess we are okay, it's our pets they don't want. We love animals and have two dogs, two cats and a large tankful of fish. When people assume pet ownership, they are making a commitment to the animals they bring into their families. At least, that's how we see it. So, our critters stay with us for life, and if that means we cannot buy a particular mobile home or live in a particular place, so be it.

I asked the park manager to contact the owner to see if he will reconsider, and I am going back to talk with them tomorrow. As is our habit, we have asked the Lord to close any doors He would not have us enter. If He wants us there, it will happen. If not, then we know He has a better plan for us.

Meanwhile, we remain in that financial limbo I mentioned in an earlier blog. We have some income that is fixed, some that is flexible but with a set upper limit, and some that is completely up in the air. Our desire is to lower our expenses so that we can operate even if that income suddenly stops. We also want to quit paying rent and buy something.

So, we wait upon the Lord. I've never been very good at it, but He is graciously giving my lessons in patience... with a little homework on faith as well.

Is God Good or What!

Yesterday we went space hunting. No, not on myspace, although I have been trying to get Richard to go on myspace as a Ute Indian agent or an 1800's Ute Indian leader. Those were part of the subjects covered in his Masters thesis... unlike me, he finished his thesis, LOL. Or perhaps he could go on as an early president or some other historic figure. He has spent a lifetime studying history. Wouldn't that be fun! (Sorry, I wasn't a history buff. Made barely passing grades there)

But I wandered away from yesterday. We are renting our home and have enjoyed it very much. Our rent is low for what we get and I'm sure the owners could rent it for more. Nonetheless, we are paying more than we've ever paid for housing and it's a problem, to me especially.

My workmen's comp will be settled out within months and we'll need to make some fiscal changes and plans once we know what the numbers are. We've been praying to lower costs.

We considered buying a house here in Galt. Ten minutes on realtor.com convinced us that was a pipe dream. How does anyone afford to live here? But sadly, that's the rule all over the state. We could go back to Alabama and live for less than half the housing costs here. But God has us here for now. We like it here and want to stay if it's His will.

So, we began to look at temporary housing from which to wait out the Workmen's comp situation and as an affordable base of operations from which to make choices after our numbers are determined. The first day we looked a mobile homes, we found two single-wides that would trim our costs by over $600 a month. We will be making an offer on one of them today after taking one more look at each...

Is God good or what!

Now, here's the big thing. When we moved from Alabama, we gave away nearly all we had: pool table, big screen TV, several couches, dining room set, hutches, everything, even our bed... but here we are now with a big houseful of furniture again...

Is God good, or what!

I hear of a special friend who needs some furnishings. Ours won't all fit in a single wide...

Is God good, or what!

A week ago, we were convinced we couldn't find cheaper rent, and knew we could not afford to buy a house here, even though we've always been homeowners and miss that. Now, He presents us with two options to lower expenses and own our own (His own) place again...

Is God good or what!

Don't you just love waking up to each new day and watching how God works all things together for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. See Romans 8:28

What if you don't know or love God? Well, that promise doesn't work for you, now does it? But this one does, and you may even know it by heart already:

John 3:16 For God so loved the world (that's you!) that He gave His only begotten Son (that's Jesus) that whosoever (you again, baby) believes on Him will not perish but have everlasting life.

Whao... and a whole lot more. Everlasting life is no big deal if it's joyless and dull... In fact it would be a definite drag! But with Jesus, you will be given the Holy Spirit and a relationship with the triune God (heavy stuff, man, but really simple) God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit (triune God) will teach you, lead you and set in motion a life as you never imagined it could be. You'll become a brand new born again person. God already LOVES you. That's why Jesus died... to set you free. But more on that another time.

For now, just have a quiet talk with Him. My first real (not some memorized thing) prayer went a bit like this: "God, if you are real, I might want to link up with you." How's that for deep faith? NOT!!! But He took me and let me take my time seeking... And every time I looked for Him, He was there. One way or another, He was always there.

He is soooo COOL!

Myspace Surprises

Today a lady from our Thursday morning Bible study group told me she has joined Myspace. Like me, she is past 60. Last night I found another granddaughter who had a space. And this afternoon, I got an e-mail from a daughter-in-law saying she, too, was on Myspace.

Since joining Myspace with very little idea what I would actually DO with my space and time there, I have found several of my grandchildren and friends have spaces, and I have been amazed at the fun I'm having with it. It is a great networking tool and talk about a way to spread Jesus' love... Myspace works wonderfully well.

What was seemingly aimed at youth has become a venue for mixing up the generations. When I visit the spaces of older members, I see plenty of young faces in their friends sections, just as I note many younger Myspacers have friends who are middle to old agers.

No, this isn't an ad for my space at http://myspace.com/ionaruth nor a suggestion that you join the fun. This is simply the musing of a grandma who has found a cool new way to communicate with her grandkids, make new friends of all ages and be a witness for the Savior.

Oh, and by the way, did I mention it was my pastor (who is no teenager) who introduced me to Myspace? Why not visit his space?

Off Topic: My husband just announced, "I don't waste my money on clothes. You've got enough clothes for both of us." The man is warped, not to mention totally out of touch. He also is wearing 12-year old shirts that look their age.

Moving Forward Out of Slavery

I have rewritten yesterday's blog twice and the "Shootings" blog three times. No, actually, I have corrected grammar and spelling rather than revised. I am not amazed at how poorly I write when I am tired or how many typos I make. I expect that since I have some brain damage plus I never learned to type using more than two fingers. I am dismayed, however, that even with proof reading my work several times, I still fail to see the errors!

I am sure that if I went back through my blogs, I would continue to find many mistakes, but they will have to remain uncorrected. I cannot move forward if I spend all my energies looking backward. There are some exceptions, like working on my genealogy, but for the most part, I need to address today, having learned from yesterday, while setting goals for tomorrow.

That is also true spiritually. Guilt and shame over past sins can hold us in bondage, I am talking to believers here, robbing us of the freedom Christ paid so dearly to give us. In Christ, our sins are no more. They are GONE!!!! We are free from them and need to accept that liberation.

But many of us live in slavery, unknowingly choosing shackles over freedom. We do it when we try to be "good enough" or to "deserve" salvation. Forget it, both are impossible, absolutely unattainable goals. Fortunately, we don't need to achieve them, anyway. Salvation is a free gift, and unless accepted as such is not true salvation at all.

So, moving forward out of the slavery of perfectionism, I will pray for strength to do my best, accept and be comfortable with the fact I am not perfect, and depend, moment by moment on my Savior. He is a Master of using the less-than-perfect children to accomplish His perfect will... so long as they are willing.

Just look what He has done with this blogging He led me into. It is published in four different venues. I don't receive many posted comments, but I receive a LOT of private e-mail, much of which has led to witnessing dialog. He uses me in spite of my weakness and insufficiencies... for He is my strength and He suffices for all.

I am a slow learner, but God patiently teaches me using the stuff of my everyday life. Stuff like editing my blogs... Is He teaching you? Look for His lessons. Listen for His voice.

President's Day

Richard isn't driving his bus today. Teachers aren't teaching today, and bankers are not banking. Today is President's Day. A special day to honor our Presidents, present and past. Nice.

But exactly how should we honor them? Cards or flowers don't quite seem appropriate. Besides, if everyone did that, the White House would be buried and it would only add a burden to an overworked leader.

As for past Presidents, I don't necessarily admire all of them. Some were distinctly dishonorable, in my humble opinion, but perhaps I err. Perhaps there is another way to look at it.

God tells us to honor our fathers and mothers. Not all of us had honorable fathers and mothers. Some folks had horrid parents. How could God expect us to honor them? Hmmmm... I was blessed with dysfunctional parents who nonetheless lavished my brother and me with unconditional love. I honor them easily now but did not always feel that way.

What this holiday requires in regard to honoring Presidents is much the same as God's command to honor parents: We are to honor the position, the office, if you will, without regard to any judgment of the personal character of those holding the position or office.

Before you get too excited in your protest to that statement, realize what it does NOT say. It does not say we are to accept or ignore dishonorable behavior. It does not say we are to take no action to eradicate such behavior... in an honorable way. And it never says we are to continue to be subject to mistreatment!

We are to honor the office even when we cannot honor the person holding that office. We are to be honorable in any protest or effort for reform. Sometimes folks try so hard to defame a dishonorable person that they dishonor themselves while doing it. The more vehemenent a person is in their put-downs of another, the less believable I find them. Whereas when someone presents a case and cites sources, I am ready to listen and consider their issues.

We all have politicians, supervisors, family members or others in our lives who we feel are not worth honoring... or maybe who truly need to be ousted. How we handle those people says a great deal about how honorable we ourselves are.

So, today I am honoring President Bush and all his predecessors by thanking God that I live in America, and for the office of President and how God used each holder of that office to achieve His will (God does a lot of things I don't understand, but I absolutely trust His ways). I am also praying for our nation today as I do every day.

Happy President's Day!

A Simple Sunday

I am thankful to have spent much of the day with the Lord and His people. It was a relaxing day. After church, we splurged and bought New York steaks on sale for $3.99/pound. They were tender and delicious. Then we worked on a giant jigsaw puzzle and cleaned the fish tank until it was time to head back to FBC.

Pastor Kenneth Hendon from Stockton preached the evening service. He was dynamic and full of the Holy Spirit. We both enjoyed and were inspired by his enthusiasm and fire.

I've spent much of the weekend working on a giant e-mail mess. As I said in an earlier blog, I've had some computer problems with my Mac. Rare thing. I often hear Windows users cry and moan about computer problems, but Macs are usually pretty stable.

So as my big, flat screened G5 iMac began to walk on wobbly legs, hang up and slowly stagger on through every requested task, I backed up everything, sort of expecting the worst. I was amazed at how much space my e-mail was taking. I get a ton of e-mail every day with lots of spam. In fact, I have lost several contacts and thrown away mail I wanted as I wade through it.

Time for a better solution. So, now that I have repaired my ailing Mac, I have set up three gmail.com accounts. One for me, one for Richard or both of us, and one for storing backups. So far, I love gmail. Check it out at http://gmail.com

Tonight, I am pleasantly tired and don't have anything particularly great to say, except to praise God for all things. Will cyber-talk with you tomorrow.

Shootings

Very early Friday morning on highway 99 near Modesto, CA, a patrolman was shot. He was murdered during a "routine traffic stop."

Not long ago, another shooting took place... this one accidental. A hunting accident. The injuries were not life-threatening and, although there may have been some misjudgment (as in almost all such incidents) there was most certainly no criminal component to the shooting.

I find it disturbing that while the murder received local press coverage, the hunting mishap has been scrutinized and analyzed world wide, almost non-stop. The press is running wild with it. Now, I don't expect to see expanded coverage for the murder. Sadly, there are so many that if the media covered each one at the national level, we would hear of nothing else. What upsets me is the fact that the media is so obviously pushing this incident down our collective throats.

Are Americans that concerned about it? Generally, I think not. There are far more important things with which to occupy our minds and time. What about all the brand new mobile homes, by the hundreds, waiting in Arkansas airports to be occupied by Katrina victims. They've been there for MONTHS! Everyone says it's someone else's fault that the intended occupants and the homes have not been able to connect.

We could be getting the word out on that (a few stories have made it to the public eye, very few), instead, we are wasting our news time picking apart a man who made a mistake any of us could have made in one way or another.

Our leaders are human. Let's help them lead by praying for them, becoming involved, using our voices and our talents for the public good, and step back from the Great American Passtime of political assassination. Instead of fostering distrust which is a major player in this whole affair, I pray we can focus on fixing what really needs fixing.

I was at a women's brunch this morning. The ladies didn't discuss what was wrong with one another, nor did they malign the ones who didn't show up. They focused on their needs. They chatted, they ate (the food was incredible, Robin) they learned about the product... and they bought it.

The Bible advises us to spend our time, energies and thought on those things that are praiseworthy and of good report. I am praying the media will heed that command.

I'm feeling a bit better, had a stuffy Saturday... seeking an open Sunday.

One of THOSE Days

It's been "one of those days." You know the kind, when everything manages to go wrong one way or other. My prayers seemed to bounce off the ceiling; my sniffles have solidified so that now my sinuses feel like they're filled with cement (I've become a "blockhead," LOL); my house spent the day messing itself up; I went shopping but forgot what I was supposed to buy; my computer had a meltdown, and I only made things worse when trying to "fix" it; I had the mother of all headaches... and I had not slept last night so was pretty well zombified all day.
I am so thankful for days like today.

"What?" you exclaim, "Are you nuts?!"

Perhaps, but consider this: it is precisely on the worst days, one like I had today, that we really lean on the everlasting arms of our Savior. When we are at the end of our endurance, we are ready to rely on the Strength of our Redeemer. When our resources are exhausted, we can better appreciate the Riches poured out before us by our bountiful Father in Heaven.

It felt like God was far away today, but I've learned not to trust my feelings. In faith, I know He was right here all along... and hearing every word. My prayers were not well said this day, but He reads my heart. I was discouraged, but it was a "surface" condition. Deep down, I rest on the bedrock of God's promises and the knowledge of His unconditional love. All is well, even when I'm not.

My computer is back up and running. We had a delicious, easy to prepare meal I had never cooked before - fennel baked with ham and three cheeses. The house is still a disaster. My headache is better, but I'm still a blockhead. The "human condition" is my lot, and today it has not been especially good... but as the words of one of my favorite hymns go, "It is well with my soul!" I find it comforting that even though my distresses and discouragements are petty (indeed, very petty!) Jesus knows and cares about them. That is amazing and wonderful to me.

I am also pleasantly surprised that writing this has a very positive effect. Visiting with you and opening my heart to you is like sharing oneself with an old and trusted friend. You have become that to me. Hard to really explain. I know who some of you are, others, of course, I have no idea about... yet , I feel a connection, and it warms the heart.

Window of Wellness

First, let me say that I am just blown away with all the virtual cards, flowers, e-mails, etc. from dear ones, many of whom I've never even met in person. Thank you all, and I also thank the Lord for you and your prayers.

God always does things that amaze me. I had prayed specifically to be better so I could facilitate a ladies Bible study this morning. I was still quite "runny" and miserable last night, but I didn't want to call anyone to take my place. That would have been the responsible thing to do in the eyes of the world, right? Well, I woke up still badly buggy but got ready to go anyway. I prayed, reviewed the lesson, prayed some more.

Now, I have a real issue with sick people who go out in public and share their germs with the unsuspecting masses, so what was I thinking?! After all, some Typhoid Mary type gave this sloppy cold to my honey, and he really had no choice but to share it with me or start living in his truck....

But I digress. Back to God's goodness. I got in my car, coughing and sniffling. By the time I got to the church (about seven minutes away) my nose was drying up. We met for about two hours and I don't believe I coughed the whole time! No sniffles and not even a snort! Plus I felt pretty good. I believed God had healed my cold of only four days duration. (Mine usually last one to two weeks).

I came home and noticed on the way, I was needing to hit the Kleenex again. What?!And I was sleepy, congested and coughing. "Hmm, wonder what's up with this," I asked the Lord. Then, I stopped and just praised Him for the "window of wellness" He had so lovingly given me, Blew my nose for the thousandth time and took a nice long nap on the couch.

Later, I felt better again. That was particularly good because a very special friend came over and I was able to visit with her without coughing and spraying viral-laden mists all over the place. To be safe I sat across the room from her, but I do believe I was harmless to be around.

Now, tonight, I need no Kleenex... everything is plugged... stuffed solid. Still praying to be better by Sunday and praising God for my window of wellness... and the great outpouring of His love through you. Frankly, I was blown away! You people are precious to me.

Silent Sniffles

No blogs, no mail, no contact much at all. I've had a very miserable cold and didn't want to do anything but sleep. Unfortunately one cannot always sleep!

I did go out to eat with Richard on Valentine's day... sniffling the whole time, LOL. Yesterday, I had a doctor's appointment, and another today. Neither was about my cold. I don't think anyone can do much about colds.

Just wanted to touch base. Now, I'm going to bed and pray I am better by tomorrow. Love to all.

I Can Only Imagine

The song playing on myspace is I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me. It is about trying to imagine what it will be like to see Jesus face-to-face.

Surrounded by His Glory, what will I do? Dance? Sing? Praise?... Or fall to my knees in silent awe and adoration? It takes my breath away to think about it!

Whether or not you believe in Him, or even give Him a second thought, you WILL one day appear before Him. And you will be overcome... Overcome with joy beyond imagination... Or overcome with deep sorrow, itter regrets and unimaginable grief.

How will you respond? Don't let the teachings and requirements of men entangle you. Only Jesus offers the gift of salvation as defined in the Bible. Receiving it is as simple as ABC

Admit you"re a sinner (He already knows that!)
Believe Jesus iss the Son of God and Died for YOU (John 3:16)
Confess Him before men & Commit your life to Him

Need help? Contact me.

Your Name - A Gift & A Legacy

I see Pastor Rob has made me infamous, LOL. If I'm not careful, I'll end up with a bad name. Speaking of names, I've been thinking a lot about that since I've been lurking around myspace.com...

People of all ages use names that may or may not relate to their real life monikers. Many of the "spaces" are delightful. Mozart has several spaces, some great, some less than great. But no matter whether the content is from the gutter of below, or the glitter of above, each space says something about its owner and his or her family.

I see some and pray the family could see it, for it honors the upbringing of that person. I see some and pray the parents will see and demand a cleanup. Some are trashing their own names and their family names. I feel truly sad for those folks.

For a long while, I never liked my "given" name: Iona? I called myself Elizabeth! But now I am older and wiser and I like the name I was given. I use it unaltered for my space, on my websites, etc... like I said, it's a good name and I'm gonna take good care of it.

I am proud of my sur name or family name. I don't want my words or deeds to cheapen the name of my husband and his family or the name of my parents. Do you?

Lastly, for the believers out there, we all bear a name, Christian. We bear a responsibility to honor and protect that name. Language or graphics unworthy of Jesus should not be found on our lips or in our lives... and certainly not even in our hearts.

Have a wonderful weekend all!

All Day Doing, Yet Nothing's Done

I get jokes from friends about absent minded folks who start 15 things in a day and finish none of them. Everyone has days like that, but most of mine are like that. Sometimes it bothers me quit a bit because I tend to be a task oriented person. Other times I shrug it off and live in the fantasy that I'll finish it all tomorrow. Of course, tomorrow never comes.

One of the ladies in my TBI support group blames it on the fact that we (TBI survivors) can't multitask or do things on "auto pilot" like most of the human race does. We have to make a conscious effort at everything. I have to use a list or some other prompt to remember to do the simplest of things, like bathe! I also need prompts to keep at the task or I'll get distracted and walk away.

Today, I was very busy. Today I did a lot. Today, I finished 4 of the things in my planner: I did the planner, went to Women of Grace (oh what a blessing those women are to me!), fixed and ate dinner and did personal Bible study with Richard. Good things, yes, but there was so much left unfinished.
The problem is not so much that things didn't get done, but that I started projects that are now in mid-DO. I got out genealogy papers to work on my mother's ancestry. They are all over the office. I got out bills to pay and mail to deal with. It is in a mixed pile with other papers on top of my art printer. The residue or working material of several other projects litters my house... God's house, really. He just lets me live here.

Tomorrow, I hope to be up early to go to Pastor Rob's house for prayer and Bible study. Then a friend is coming over to watch a video. My house is a dump! Books, papers, pet toys everywhere. I should clean, but the Lord and I talked it over and I got a message from Veda... just thinking of her reminds me the friend who's coming is coming to see me and the video, not my house. Go, Veda!
So, I'm off to bed and praying to be fresh in the morning. My house looks loved in (by insane cats and goofy dogs) and I don't care. Bye!

CAT Scan Cat Prayers

I finally had my CAT scan yesterday, see previous entry, and was there much longer than most folks stay. Everyone there was personable, kind, witty and fun, but that's not why I was there so long. They were having trouble finding a vein that would hold up long enough to get the requisite amount of dye coursing through my circulatory system.

After seven "sticks" by three different pros, they finally got threaded into a vein at the base of my left thumb. Normally, I would have called a halt to all this venous plowing, but God gave me the grit to hang in there. By the time they finally "got in," I was dizzy and nauseous. They had me flat an my back (I'd been sitting in a chair for the first four sticks) and I prayed aloud for the CAT scan cats and for me. They responded positively.

Once I was out of there, I sat for a while in my car to be sure I was ready to drive, and to just have a quiet visit with the Lord. I asked Him whether the IV starting problems He had permitted me to suffer were for me or for the CAT scan medicos... He didn't say, but I suspect it was a bit of both.

Now, I'm not going to delve into the "Bad Things Happening to Good People" issue, but merely want to make this point (one that has sustained me through a great deal of pain, my own and other people's) so here it is:

God is all powerful; you need merely look around you to see that. God's love is beyond question considering the price He paid to redeem all who will accept the gift.
So, knowing His love is that great and His power that pervasive, any suffering gone through by His beloved children must have a purpose. The fact that I don't happen to know the purpose is of no consequence. Indeed, if I always knew the purpose, it might defeat the purpose! Pun intended.

Of this I am quite sure, God takes no delight in human suffering. I never take it upon myself to speak for God, but often He speaks through those who serve Him and will hear His voice. I can say with all certainty that God is in control, so those who love Him can claim His promises with the assurance that He will never allow them to endure anything meaninglessly.

Does that make me always strong? No, I'm the world's biggest wimp. Does it bring me peace? Absolutely!

I Forgot to GO!

I just drank some very foul stuff. Up until now, Sunday has been a great day. Church was wonderful; Sunday School was scintillating; brunch with friends was fantastic; the "End of the Spear" movie was moving; dinner was delicious... all in all, it was a super Sunday.

No, I'm not a Super Bowl fan. Richard watched it, I cooked, then read cookbooks. Lost track of time and missed evening church... Now this! I drank 12 oz. of some sort of horrid dye for my CAT scan tomorrow... and must drink an equally putrid amount of it in the morning. Who concocts this stuff?

I had a CAT scan appointment for last Friday, too. I had seen my doctor Monday and she had them squeeze me in. The radiology department called every day to remind me. I had it in my planner and did not forget about it. I got up and ready well in advance because I know how often I have to redo things or perhaps return home for something I forgot. I was all set two hours early. Great!

But I forgot to leave! I forgot to GO!

I happened to look at the clock at 10:25... my appointment was for 10:30! I left and drove to South Sacramento, praying they would take me. Sure enough, when I got there they said they would work me in. Then the receptionist sweetly said, "You did drink all your prep, didn't you?"

Prep? What prep? I didn't know anything about a prep.

The receptionist was no longer smiling. "We told you three times!" she accused. I still had no memory of it. Sometimes things pass through my brain and I may react or respond in the moment but know nothing of it later.

"Well, if you haven't taken the prep, we can't do you today.," she told me, shaking her head in utter dismay. She gave me a bottle of the "prep" and reset my appointment. Then, still shaking her head, she repeated, "We TOLD you. THREE times!"

Tears burned my eyes as I searched for my car. It's always hard for me when life reminds me yet again just how broken my brain really is. I got ready to go, but forgot to leave. Kaiser reminded me to come in for the prep and instructions - THREE times! I didn't forget that. It just never registered. It was never there to forget.

Earlier today, Richard was talking about something we experienced together... except I had no memory of it. Usually, I just nod and say appropriate things, acting like I know what people are talking about. But sometimes with people I know and trust well, I just tell them I have no clue. I told him I didn't remember. He said, "Yes you do. You remember thus and so, and this and that..."

No, I didn't remember... not a bit. It;s hard for people when I don't remember, and they always try to give me hints. Sometimes that works. If it got recorded in my brain in the first place, then a prompt amy help... but too many times, the incident just never landed anywhere in my cranium... so, for me, there is nothing to remember.

Sorry about airing my emotions... my defenses are a bit down. They shouldn't be...

I have so much to be thankful for. The simple fact that God is willing to use me, and indeed has a plan for my life which includes my damaged brain, that He gives me the courage to stand and deliver even though on shaky legs, even knowing how often I am so far from perfect or even acceptable, that simple fact brings me to my knees in gratitude.

One thing's for certain, when the gates of heaven are opened for me, I won't forget to go! Jesus will be right there reminding me that He took care of the "prep" for me and I'm all set.

I'm also not "down" any more. God is SO good!

Head Expolosion

Not far into the day, a headache invaded my consciousness. Like many head injury survivors, I get them without notice and for not discernable reason. I had lots to do so as the pain escaltated, I decided to try to cut it down to a managable size with medication.

An hour after taking my pill, I was only slightly better. Per doctor's orders I took another pill. It drove the pain a bit farther into the darkness, but never religated it to obscurity and soon it crept relentlessly back.

Nopw, I am exhausted and still hurting. This one has lasted longer than any I've had. I am going to bed in hopes I can hide from it in the land of Nod.

Good night, good people.

I Trust You With My Tears

In his comment on my Jan 30 blog, Pastor Rob actually refers to stuff I wrote on Jan 31. In part, he said, "Glad to hear that you play. Great to hear you both laugh. I know that you must cry too but we haven't known each other that long yet. Intimacy also comes over time..."

Pastor Rob is right, we do cry, too. I trust very few people with my tears as I cry them, but I believe Pastor Rob would be on that short list. I think I know him better than he realizes, and I believe my tears would be safe with him. It's hard to trust someone with your tears, for it exposes your vulnerability. There is also the issue of confidentiality... And what about wisdom? Sometimes a new perspective can be gained and a problem solved just by crying it out with someone who can be trusted with your tears.

As protective as I am with present tears, I often share past tears openly in the hope that those I have wept will somehow encourage or minister to someone else. Yes, I have shed tears...

The tears of a mother...
Who has lost a baby
Who has watched her child suffer and die
Who's had a sick or hurting child she could not relieve
Who has visited her child in prison
Who's child has been molested
Who's children and grandchildren are not all saved
Who's child has run away, used drugs, gotten in trouble... the list is long

The tears of a wife...
Who discovers unfaithfulness in her husband (not Richard!)
Who sees her husband suffer for doing what is right (Richard)
Who finds her husband has abused her child (not Richard!)
Who has endured divorce, no matter who filed for it
Who shares the tears of her husband (Richard)
Who feels neglected and unloved

The tears of a person...
Who has lost a loved one
Who has watched friends and family members suffer and die
Who's had sick or hurting loved ones she could not relieve
Who has been raped
Who has been the victim of gossip
Who has been betrayed by a trusted someone
Who has lost a cherished ability
Who has lost a part of themselves through injury
Who has been falsely accused
Who has said or done something that hurt another person
Who has sinned and fallen short (although forgiven, sin brings bitter tears)

My tears are precious to my Lord... each and every one of them. He has gathered them all, ever so carefully, and stored them up "in His bottle." He who is called the Redeemer, shall redeem them all. Do you know Him? Write me or leave a comment, and I will gladly take you to Him. Then He will give to you The Comforter, The Holy Spirit, and your tears will become something entirely new and different... and so will YOU!

Overloaded

Today was full.. to overflowing. Full of meetings of wonderful folks. Full of doctors. Full of love. And now full of pain.

This morning I met with the wonderful Women of Grace and we were blessed by a new member. Our session was a blessing and full of loving encouragement for one another. Then I was off to the first of two doctor's appointments. Both went well, I believe, but it's always draining for me to go to a meeting or appointment of any sort. Then I needed to get fitted for new glasses... The price would knock your socks off! Finally, I had a great visit with Silvio Garbarino, manager of the Elk Grove Wal-Mart... MY Wal-Mart. He's one of the best "bosses" I ever worked for or with (my hubby, who used to be my "boss," is another).

So, by the time I got home, I was overloaded and numb. I, like many brain injured people, can handle only one thing even close to well in any given day. What is "automatic" for the rest of humanity, requires conscious effort for head injury survivors. So, while you are on "autopilot" in a conversation, we are struggling to keep track of who is saying what (including ourselves) and even what the subject of the discussion IS.

Having expended my energies on the events and people of this day, there is now really nothing left, so I will bid you a pleasant and blessed evening and go to sleep if I can medicate my head pain down to a tolerable level. There are more doctors to see tomorrow.

It's About Time!

Twice in less than a week, I have missed posting to my blog. There seems to be a concerted effort to derail the work. For example, I typed out a blog earlier today only to somehow miss a key and delete all the work! I must have inadvertently highlighted the text and typed something over it because I was left with the last six words. The rest of the piece was gone. And there was no undo potential because I was using an online blogging program.

But the real issue is time. My neuropsych doctor says I must carefully choose how I will spend my time and mental energies. I saw him today and we discussed the problems I am having getting things done. I am disappointed with my poor performance in regard to my New Years resolutions. Out of the 15, I have only been 100% on 7... That's a poor record. I am allowing myself some slack because I was gone over two weeks of the time, but I am definitely struggling. I promised accountability. I have a failing grade with my resolutions... But I have high hopes for improvement in February.

Now back to the real issue: TIME. As I've gotten older, time passes at hyperbolic speeds. My time on this planet is dwindling rapidly and I need to be wise about how I use it. Funny, in my younger days, I thought nothing of squandering time as if I'd been allotted an endless supply. Now, I know time is a precious commodity to be cherished and used for what really matters.

Does that mean I don't play? Of course not! Play is good use of time, but needs to be in proportion to other important things. Richard and I play a lot of games, we do puzzles, we go to theme parks, we love to drive aimlessly around... but we also spend time together in prayer and Bible study almost every night. We spend time working, sleeping and doing all the other normal human activities, too. So what's the issue?

I have been examining what is really important to me and how it fits with my time expenditures. My first allegiance is to Jesus Christ, then my family, and after that a host of other people and things. Where and how can I best serve my Lord with the time and energy He has given me?

Pastor Rob has spent a great deal of time and energy both in and out of the pulpit promoting the P.E.A.C.E. plan and the missionary work our church is doing in Liberia. I have been thinking of going to Liberia and indeed want to go, but have had a "check in my spirit" about that for several reasons. But, as good as all this is and as wonderful a work for Christ, I feel that Christ must be the main focus.

Someone in our church said about Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life and 40 Days of Purpose campaign, that we should take the meat and leave the bones. I could not agree more. I feel the same is true of the P.E.A.C.E. plan. Now, I found much good in that program, but I also noted that the program was so much the focus at many churches, the Gospel was not presented and expository Bible teaching was not happening. Christ took a back seat to "Purpose."

So, while I am still wanting to go to Liberia, if God is so calling... or He can call me anywhere to do anything... I want to know it is Him calling. I also want to serve Him well in the calling I know He has given me.